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Smith’s Dictionary

Activism Theory with legs.

Atheism A strong faith in God’s non-existence.

Beer “Proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy” (Benjamin Franklin).

Bigot Someone whose views I don’t like or understand.

Capitalism An elaborate method for siphoning wealth from its producers.

Christianist “Someone who selectively ignores different parts of Christian scripture than I do” (Megan McCardle)

College An unsuccessful attempt to teach young adults what their parents learned in high school.

Conservatism A political philosophy favoring rapid social transformation, except in religion and morals.

Facebook A social networking site where we all go to learn nothing about each other or ourselves.

Hell The only theological doctrine for which we have concrete proof.

Liberalism Radical individualism, except in economics.

Libertarianism A political philosophy holding that liberty ought to be unlimited, but which in reality leaves it undefined and therefore undefended (paraphrase of GK Chesterton).

Life An interruption to reading.

Literature How people told stories, back when we could read.

Literary studies A book club for fools and ideologues.

Marriage 1) Mutual aid in child rearing. 2) “Who are you to impose your definition of marriage on others? A commitment between consenting adults is nobody else’s business! If you don’t approve of divorce, don’t get one. If you don’t approve of gay marriage, don’t get one. But you have no absolutely no right to tell others how to live their lives.” (Overheard at a coffee shop on no specific occasion).

Metaphysics “The finding of bad reasons for what we all believe on instinct” (Qtd. by Anthony Daniels)

Objectivity A form of liberal bias.

Progress Innovation one approves of.

Student Loans Debt you’ll never repay, reading books you won’t remember, for the sake of a job that doesn’t exist.

Text Messaging A means of communicating without the use of English.

Theory A form of activism — excepting literary theory, which is a form of idiocy.

Unaffordable Spending that one dislikes (esp. government spending).

Waterboarding An interrogation technique that simulates drowning and amounts to torture when used by other people.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 17, 2010 7:38 pm

    Your definition of capitalism is particularly accurate.


  1. Smith’s Dictionary: Christianist « The Innocent Smith Journal

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